Update: 2009-11-19, Reality Check

Sunday, November 22, 2009 Day 400, Week 57, Month 13 Since Diagnosis
I had a healthy reality check last week on Wednesday. It came in the form of cold, pain, and taking some things for granted. We made the mistake of testing the medications to see how intense the pain really is. By the time we got the pain back under control it was, PAIN = 8, Nausea = 8. I was experiencing withdrawals, and was miserable for about 10 to 12 hours. I learned that I am probably worse off than I thought with regards to the pain overall, and that this pump set-up is serving me very, very well!

I am also having more and more Dear Liza moments, you know the song and scenario- "There's a hole in the bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza . . . ." Where there is task after task waiting to be done and a failing memory makes even remembering the tasks a challenge let alone how to perform the task. It is happening with medications, insurance, finances, etc. It is just UNBELIEVABLE! It seems like every week I am losing more of my memory and reasoning capability. I find myself standing in a room, sometimes with something in my hand and cannot remember why I am there or what I am doing. Then the discovery moment happens and I recall the steps I had been taking before and after this Dear Liza delirium moment. Sometimes I feel so foolish, even though nobody else is around or knows of my personal embarrassment.

BUT THE REALITY EXPERIENCE is the birth of Brigham John Loser. My visit last night consisted of mostly sobbing in recognition that I have survived my gall bladder cancer long enough to see with my earthly eyes and hold in my earthly arms my second "miracle" grandson. I am blessed beyond my ability to explain and comprehend by a kind, wise, loving Heavenly Father. He knows my needs and my wants and He blesses me with that which I need, and also with that which "brightens the eye and gladdens the heart". My family loves me and is still patient with this poor patient. Our families (Extended Family, R-Family, Neighborhood Family, Ward Family, Friend Families, Etc.) continue to love, serve, and sustain us.



My eyes continue to be bright and my heart is glad beyond belief.

Update: 2009-11-12 , Disconnected

Thursday, November 12, Day 390, Week 56, Month 13

My health continues to be on the slow downgrade, with my weight continuing to fall off (I now weigh a whopping 124 pounds), the edema (water retention) in my feet and legs continuing to build, nausea continuing to be a nuisance, and so on.

Today has been a so-so day, with pain the issue of the day. My pain has been running at about 5 on the 10-Scale, so I have been hitting the bolus about once every hour or two. The pain is not like the old blockages, but is sharp, constant, and running mid-line abdomen. I rousted out of the sack this "morning" at 11:30 am. I felt like I really could have slept longer . . .

There is a list of recordings I want to do, Christmas lights to organize and get Alex psyched up to put in the yard this year. We are scaling back the lights to a much decreased statement in our yard. This has been a really hard thing for me to let go of. I know in the future I will not be here doing the project- it is just that the idea . . . . There are so many of those "ideas" that are becoming harder and harder to let go of; Christmas lights, the landscaping, video/picture scanning and organization, and so on. This "disconnect" from every day living that my imminent death is causing is weird and in many ways inconceivable. I am going along on some regular project or thought process, then boom, the entire process or project is irrelevant because I am dying.

We continue to persevere in our daily activities. We are sustained and supported in our efforts by your prayers, your fasting, and your interest in our well being. I will continue to decline. My death is getting close. It may come in a couple of months or a couple of weeks. No one in the medical field can tell us when, as it is different for every person. They can only tell us what symptoms to look for as things progress. We pray for faith and courage to face the challenges that lie ahead. We are taking each day as it comes and trying to find joy and happiness in it and in this journey. Thanks for your love- and know that we love you!