Wednesday, October 28, Day 376, Week 54, Month 13
Tuesday last week we had a regularly scheduled visit with the palliative care doctor. This is the doctor who manages my quality of life and particularly my pain. My overall condition continues to decline. It is easy to feel additional hard spots throughout my abdomen which are likely actively growing tumors. Other symptoms of my declining health are losing weight, (about two pounds per week) water retention in my legs and feet, and poor kidney function. I am, however, still able to drink all the slushes I want!
Right now I feel "small." My body physically is shrinking - my arms and legs are small and wrinkled, and I 'm weak. I've been in some denial, like we all have, that the end is closing in, and it's hard to understand what's happening, especially since everyone (doctors, family, friends) keep talking about what a miracle it is I've lived so long.
We are constantly being lifted up by our many loved ones- family, extended family, family friends, ward and neighborhood family- all of you. We are especially sustained by our Savior. He strengthens us daily. Even so, all this love and support doesn't keep all of the anxiety at bay. Michelle and I feel the ache of anticipated separation. We and the children are working at coping with this drawn out process. Even knowing that all of us will die, that everyone loses a loved one at some point in time, doesn't really lessen the pain of my death. But, life does go on and we are being blessed.
So, we embrace each day to see what it will present, how I will feel, what I can bring about, what can be accomplished. We enthusiastically entertain visitors- please call first to assure we are available and presentable. A kind visitor and beloved friend, Krystal Scoresby was greeted while visiting on Sunday evening with a gushing forth of my bowels as I hugged her. Yes, I neglected to plug my G-Tube, and some of my stomach contents- cold water - drained all over her bare feet! I was so embarrassed, but that is where I am these days. Thankfully Krystal was very understanding. Thankfully all our family and friends are understanding of our continuing struggles too! We love you because you also love us . . . ;)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
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14 comments:
What to say? Words escape me.
I would love to stop by and visit. I'm hoping to make a trip to you soon. Love to you all.
Its so easy to wash bare feet. I would have been more embarassed if her shoes had it in every little nook and cranny. You are so generous and have always strived to give your all. You are so precious, so loved, and adored by all who have been touched by your goodness and love. Like a mirror what you have given is reflecting back to you, unlike a mirror it is very warm as you have been. May you be blessed with love and comfort through this last mile of your journey, may your family always find strength in the memory of your loving arms around them and your tears of love, hot upon their faces, that were shed for them. We are so blessed by the years you shared with us. love you
Good thing you have the blog!!! She told us about the visit, but not about the feet washing!!! We love you and will see you soon!
My prayers are with you as you continue this journey. You are amazing to put it all down on a blog like you are doing. Thank you. Please know that there are many other like me who are praying for you and your family. I hope the Lord will make your journey sweet for you and give you opportunity to say all you want to say to your loved ones.
It was great to see Michelle at Costco. I love hugs. It was great to get caught up with how my most cherished patient was doing. Thanks for making the huge effort to keep the blog up. It makes me feel like I am still connected. I can't pick on Alex anymore. My life has no meaning! You are an amazing family. I love you dearly! Thanks for being such great examples as you walk down this very difficult and mostly unknown path. XOXO
This journey you are on is amazing. We feel blessed to know and love you. Thank you for the update, we look daily and wonder how you all are.
The wedding was beautiful. But for today, we have a house full of flu, so we will stay away. But know that we hold you close to our hearts.
xoxoxoxox
Ned and Barbara
Can't tell you enough how much we think about you and pray for you every single moment. We were in the temple yesterday and added you and Michelle's names as we always do. We felt an especially warm feeling of comfort as we submitted these and were once again reminded everything is in the Lord's hands. My favorite hymn is "I Believe In Christ". My favorite line is "I believe in Christ, so come what may..." Replace the fear with faith and rely on those around you who love you so dearly (even if they are a state away.) Things have a way of working out...we are with you, now and always. Love you,
Jane & Curtis
Precious Loser Family, How we miss you! What a gift you give us by sharing your heart with us as you travel this difficult road. It is hard to believe that it has been a year. Yet then we look at all you have accomplished in that period of time and how drastically our lives have changed. It seems that the past year has bee, in and of itself, a lifetime! Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Brett has kept your name on the Oakland Temple prayer roll. You are a hero in our home! We must send you a photo Brooke has kept out of the two of you. You were helping the girls canoe at girls camp a couple of years ago. You were big and strong and such a fabulous teacher and guide. That is the man inside the weakening body. Your spirit is great and large in stature! We hope you feel our love across the miles.
Lots of Love, Brett, Sandy & Girls
Tim sold her home and is moving, for the second time this year, this time, to Phoenix. It has brought home all the more your struggles facing the future as I spend the days teared up and dripping at work, at church, at the grocery store, if I sit, if I walk, if I work, doesn't matter what. All the while I drip I think of you guys and your strength, courage, love, devotion and wonderful exapmles to us all. Now can I just get to work being more like you, following your examples. Love you guys
My Dear Brother, I think of you often and marvel at the dignity with which you manage this gut wrenching trial. In life well, sh%# happens. We blush and bumble, experience a burst of embarrassment followed by a blast of compassion and love; then we get busy and clean up. The key is in how we manage it. Rick, you are my inspiration and example of how to graciously endure. Perfect no, gracious absolutely! I hope I never have to follow in your footsteps. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandpa did; not screaming and hollering like the other passengers, when he drove his car off into the river.
I am sure that the prayers uttered by others on your behalf rise up to the Heavens, are recorded, empowered and then softly fall upon your family as the Holy Spirit distills them as the dews from the heavens, spiritual snowflakes, peaceful and pure; and like snowflakes, beautiful and brief, treasures to behold something to seek until we are old.
I have some anxiety each day waiting for the dreaded news. I know that the passage from here to there is both a joyous and painful transition. One however, if you are prepared for, as I know that you are; will be much more joyful than the latter. Me on the other hand, have so much to do to prepare; I am grateful my life insurance covers me to age 125, I'm sure it will take that long!
I felt like our outing a few weeks ago would be the last time I saw you and Jill and I were so very grateful to spend such wonderful time together. Even if you did desert us every 10 minutes to empty the manly man bag!
I love the hugs. I knew that was you sneaking up on me in the line, well, I was praying it was you since Ned's a cop and I would have been arrested for assault if it hadn't been you. Interesting how we are so connected after all these years. I imagine that there will be many happy connections awaiting you.
Know that we love you; know that you have had a profound influence in our life; know that spiritual relationships are built to last and will. When we meet again it will not feel any different than it did when we went several years between activities. Can you believe we are in our 30th year. HOLY CRAP!!! We cant possibly be that old, well you maybe, I think I was 10 when we started hanging out. NOT!
It's late, the mind is fading, the blabber is drying up, the bladder is filling up. I know there is a profound way to say what I feel, but tonight it just ain't there. Best I can do is to say, "I love you my dear brother in the Gospel or the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful that I ave had the privilege of knowing you. I will miss your dry sense of humor, your practical jokes and especially the incessant torment directed at Barbara (not that she can't defend herself)it just always makes me smile. Farewell until we meet again. Remember Michelle, whatever we can do we will.
Hugs and Kisses, Tracy & Jill
We want you to know that we LOVE you and are constantly thinking of you...you have taught us so much more about meaningful love and true humility as we read your loving words. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
From us to you in our native tongue ... "Ofa Lahi Atu" ("We love you very much")
~The Kinikini's
Your courage and love and family continue to amaze me. Even as your health continues degrade you are still touching people with your humble spirit. I somehow found old LPs of Saturdays Warrior back from the 70's. Im sure you remember it. I remember attending the actual Play at the Highland High Auditorium. Maybe you did too. It has always had a special place in my heart. I was reminded of you as I played it through. We continue to pray for your well being spiritually as well. Dave, Krista and Greg
Rick, reading your blog is painful. I remember you so fun and full of life! My best memories of you are during the River Rafting trips with the ward. These trips were something most of the young men and women looked forward to for months, and the memories will be with me forever. Most of us would never have had these experiences without you. I remember waking to water being dumped on me because me and some of the other hoodlums kept the entire tent up all night playing cards. And I remember Matt Dayton falling in the river trying to get me out--then nobody could pull him back in. Great times.
My thoughts are with you and your family as you go through all of this.
Angie (LeFevre) Salas--daughter of Judy LeFevre
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